Apr 02, 2026 Thursday

The Thursday Dispatch - 2 April 2026

Being alone is tricky.

Seattle Waterfront, 2016

I’m struggling with connection again.

Ever since I moved out on my own, I’ve seen it as an opportunity to build the life I want to live instead of being one I just simply accept. My ex had little in common with me. When we went out, we did the things she wanted to do. While I feel like I’m able to adapt to any situation, since my interests can be somewhat eclectic and I’m always curious about different scenes, I never fully got the reach back in the other direction from them to meet me at my core. I feel like that’s a necessity, at least for me.

I realize I’m a bit of a contradiction. When I lived in Lincoln, I lived in the same apartment complex for nine years. I never had any of my friends over, just girlfriends. Nobody ever saw my place. I was content on meeting people somewhere else, whether it be a bar, sporting event, or a gathering at someone else’s home. It’s a funny parallel I have with my Pacific Northwest birthright as this is a trait within the so-called “Seattle Freeze”. It’s common to never be invited to someone’s home.

Beyond this, there’s a behavior of saying “hey we should hang out!”, being seen as a form of politeness that there’s never any intention to follow through on. There’s a kind of expectation that if you really did want to hang out, then you need to be the one to actually put the work in to reach out. But, on the flip-side, there’s this desire to not feel needy, which makes the work of reaching out in the first place seem exhausting.

I’ve seen a lot of “motivational” posts online talking about “if they really wanted to, they would”. I think that viewpoint only tells part of the story. Frankly, some people are busy. They have kids, events to go to, work to deal with, and in some cases just want to be left alone themselves. Getting the stars and planets to align where everyone is willing to see one another at the same time is a crap shoot sometimes. For the most part, I was fine in my solitude when I lived in Lincoln. Whether I actually wanted to go out or not, I at least knew I had the option. I think part of where I’m bothered now in Omaha is I feel like the option is often absent, which adds a layer of isolation in my mind.

I’ve also realized there’s probably another layer involved with my feelings of disconnect and loneliness that come and go, and that’s my demisexuality. Demis rely on human connection for anything to “work”, as in the sexual arousal probably won’t happen until there’s an honest bond in place.

I think I would be naive to think my demisexuality didn’t play into my friendships as well. I tend to constantly check for a bond in the same way a Wi-Fi network periodically checks for a live connection. Too long without that feeling of a bond and I’ll start to believe it doesn’t exist at all. This, again, adds fuel to the feelings of isolation.

Throw in factors like stress, which there’s been plenty with work lately, and this thing can start to snowball. I start contemplating moving, thinking that maybe if I found a city that catered to me better, then I wouldn’t have issues like the ones I’m having. But, there’s no guarantee that would be the case either. But, none of this makes me feel totally happy living where I live now, so I contemplate picking up and leaving constantly.

Making friends as an adult is a real pain in the ass. When you’re younger, you have school/college, work, and different social events to meet people and make friends. When you’re older, it basically gets limited to work and at a certain point, you don’t want to see only your coworkers. This means any time you start over in a place, you’re going to have to get used to some level of solitude. Some days I’m able to lean into it and enjoy it. Other days, it drives me insane. I’m trying to find the balance, but it’s definitely not easy.

Weekly Photo

I’ve learned a nickname for a goose is the “cobra chicken”. If you know the behavior of these asshole water fowl, then you totally get the description. This cobra chicken was hanging out near work the other day, but thankfully wasn’t being a menace to anyone. It did appear to litter the sidewalk, however.

This Past Week

Weekly Links

Great Unreleased Track From Kendrick Lamar: Bloody Murder by Jason Kottke

Songs in the Chaos

This is my weekly list of songs that either caught my attention or came to mind this past week. I post these throughout the week on a site called Crucial Tracks, where they’re also added to a playlist on Apple Music. Feel free to follow me on either space.